A moment for the why

I often described the way I felt during the last semester as a raft in the open ocean trying desperately to find land. Sometimes, I would feel very close to the alignment of my three parts, and this would feel like my raft was about to dock. But then I would hear someone shout for help or I would forget my rope, and I would be swept back out to ocean, with the waves dragging me in all directions. My alignment would be thrown askew, and I would be giving all of my efforts to the experience part or to the consciousness part of myself. This would lead to feeling un-fulfillment in other areas. Sometimes I would meditate and feel that I was finding some sort of superconsciousness state, but giving my connected part all the focus for short bursts was unsustainable. I would eventually crash into my experience self and be disgusted by the world around me. On my metaphorical raft, I equated happiness with finding land. I convinced myself that once I even thought I saw land, I need to paddle as hard as I could for it before I tired and was swept back to sea. Clearly, I was working against myself, sabotaging my efforts with thoughts of distraction, failure, and productivity. If I was ever going to allow my mind to “let go” of expectations of achievement, negative thoughts, and societal norms and pressures, I knew I needed to “let go” of external fear, worry, and routine in a unconventional and transformative way. To stretch the raft metaphor to it’s final point, I needed to abandon my oars. I made the decision to travel alone for several weeks this summer to push myself irrevocably beyond my comfort zone. I intend to let the raft float and move with the ebb and flow of the ocean. With the constant input of social media, goals and deadlines, bills and plans, it is no wonder that I fill my days listening to every voice but my own. Through solo-travel, I want to eliminate the opportunity of things that I “should be doing” to cloud my experience, consciousness, and connection. I need to make the time and space to do the “landing” exercises. I need to step away from the prying eyes and endless expectations of what the outside world tells me time should be used for and just be with me, my experiences, thoughts, and emotions.

It may seem counterintuitive that the desire to be alone with my thoughts is motivated by an aspiration to connect to a sense of purpose beyond myself. Yet I strongly believe that before I can be better for something larger, I first need to be better for myself. I have to find the source of my own thoughts in order to communicate with the inner voice that often tells me that I am not enough. I also recognize that I will need to return from my travels and reenter the world of pressures, stresses, and responsibilities. However, it my hope that this experience and my sincere attempt to process it without judgment will provide with me the ability to tap into this self-knowledge without abandoning civilization in the future. Once I have created space for myself in my own mind, I will be able to return to that space without needing to be “away” from myself. In the words of Rabbi Doniel Katz, I hope “to trust that the light is enough, that “the good” is enough, that "the good" is all the motivating power we will ever need. We must be willing to release the darkness and fully embrace the light”