A moment for day 10

I haven’t written for a while as I was with Fran and her family. They were amazing and I had a wonderful time. Today, when I set out again in my travels, I was hoping to just hop back into the swing of things and the little bit of routine I had built before I had my wonderful little break on the lake. This did not happen though and I have to admit that today has been the hardest day thus far… I feel very sad and very guilty and just tired. I have this urge to just turn around and call it quits. This all came over me very suddenly as I left Fran’s place. I stopped at the campground I was meant to stay at (Swan Creek Park) and I just felt so restless and like I couldn’t do it anymore. I drove to my next site early and bought another night at Day Lake. It is a bit more secluded and I feel I can spend two days here before I continue my travels. I completely stopped the little routine I had built up once I arrived at Fran’s because I wanted to throw myself into all the activities I had in front of me and because I didn’t want her family to think I was weird. I stayed off of social media, but I did watch more than a few TV shows with them and I played a lot of mobile games. I had a great time, but the jarring lack of things planned for me to do has left me feeling like absolute shit.

My Co-Star horoscope wasn’t horrible today. It was actually kind of just what I needed to here to make this all make a little more sense. It read: “You can’t pursue happiness, you have to make room for it.”

This echoed the sentiments of my “about” page. While at Fran’s I grabbed onto any glimpse of happiness I got and I ran with it. I was excited and happy, but for the short term. I left whatever semblances of balance of my mind, body, and soul in the dust because I was able to receive joy regardless while I was on this little vacation. Now that I am back on the road, I am no longer on vacation and the work I needed to put in to recenter myself seems so laborious. My little routines helped to make room for the happiness. They allowed me to welcome it and experience it, and they can help me survive when it leaves me for a moment. Without the little steps in my day that feel fulfilling to all parts of myself, I end up feeling like shit and feeling guilty for feeling like shit. The lack of joy burns a hell of a lot deeper when the one thing you were focusing on is desperately out of reach.

As much as today has sucked, it has reaffirmed that the habits I was trying to build for myself are working towards a larger goal even if I didn’t notice it until now. Tomorrow, I want to go back to drinking my mate tea in the morning, and listening to the rabbi while stretching, and I will go back to practicing some simple simple yoga poses. I will give myself grace and let today pass. Tomorrow is a new day and I am in a very pretty place.

I need to post a picture for the blog, so please enjoy this wonderful one of me and Scout and my fish!

Talk to you tomorrow.